Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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