guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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