I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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