Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This couple is walking their pig around campus
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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