Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
