after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
