I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
