The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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