How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
