I wanna bring you to show and tell
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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