I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
