I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
