Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
