Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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