I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
