Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
