What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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