also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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