So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
