It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
