I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
