sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
