So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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