It was confusing and full of hummus
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
