Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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