I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
