I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
