i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
