i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
