I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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