i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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