It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
