If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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