I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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