The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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