Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
