Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
