Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
