I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
