Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
