The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
