we have pet lesbian snakes
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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