non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
as a side note pls kill me
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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