Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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