shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
