I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
