Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
