My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
