Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
