TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
