i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
