Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
