3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I can text with my tongue
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
