meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
