So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
