You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
